littlenick

If the way I treat this Livejournal is any reflection of the way I'm going to treat my future kids, those kids are going to end up being crackwhores.

There's just far too much neglect.

HOWEVER, today I plan to write a LEGITIMATE update -- complete with personal details from my post-graduate life. I don't do this often, and, even now, part of me wants to turn and RUN from the screen. I'll try to calm myself, and, with a little luck, we can get through this.

I will be revealing:
1. What the hell I've been doing for the last 6 months (as I'm sure many of you have been wondering)
2. Where I will be for the next year or so


( The Longest Entry of ALL time. )

THIS is the entry that will ENSURE I never have sex again...
so long as I live...

now you THINK I'm exaggerating here...
but, honestly, the information I'm about to reveal is JUST as damaging as advertising a particularly persistent case of genital herpes.

What could such horrible news be?

Well...I must abashedly admit that
before I chose to double major in International Relations and Economics...
I minored in...the dreaded...

COMPUTER SCIENCE.

I can feel you all shrinking away from the screen in terror.

now, now, you jerk. PUT those stereotypes away...I've met QUITE a few computer scientists...
and they are NOT all completely reclusive...socially awkward..sober types...

okay..well, maybe they are...

here's a picture of me from that time in my life...


I've changed QUITE a bit.

(EDITORS NOTE:
BTW, this is all SARCASM. There is nothing inherently wrong with CS kids.
They are loveable and sexy just like anyone else.)

Anyway Back to what I was saying...
SO, why do I choose to reveal this now?
For the longest time...I thought all of the skills UC Davis taught me would NEVER go to use...

Until recently, I finally found a TRULY appropriate use for my $20,000 education...

I MADE A GAME..WHERE YOU SHOOT BABIES AT BIG-ASS ASTEROIDS...
and not only that...
it's available for YOU people to download!

Things to keep in mind:
A) Level 5 is the super secret Boss Level...
If anyone makes it there, comment with a screenshot...
you'll be the ENVY of all your peers!

B) My Highscore was 30,000...
If you can beat that, I will PERSONALLY treat you to a sushi buffet.

DOWNLOAD IT HERE.

Oh god, another entry from HELL.

Honestly! Two within three weeks? This MUST be some sort of record for me.

I think it has to do with the fact that I am now BUSIER than I've ever been.
and like any truly busy person, I am doing all of the unnecessary bullshit I CAN!

AND, more than just that, I missed YOU, sweet internet friends.
I missed feeling your eyes on me, missed the way your hands run up and down my scroll bar...

ANYWAY, so what's this entry about?
Last week, when I was buying some socks at the mall, the cashier looked up at me and said "You remind me of Kumar from that movie!"

Now, I'm as much of a fan of that movie as anyone. I mean with lines like "Harold, I just found two filthy pussies just aching ot be fucked," you really can't go wrong. BUT, I don't look ANYTHING like Kumar. And this isn't the first time this has happened.

She, and others before her, just made the connection because:
A) I'm brown
B) I don't have a fobby accent.
Who else COULD I be other than Kumar?

I'm sure the rest of the brown community can relate.

I always get weird comparisons to token brown people in the media.

SO to get to the bottom of this, I've taken some photos...
This is a public poll!

( Which token brown guy do I most resemble? )

Thanks for playing? I love you?

Every winter, I see the SAME pattern...my friends start to hook up, sometimes incestuously.

Those who say that spring is the season for love...are, well, full of shit. It's all about winter.

I think you horny bastards REALIZE you're going to be indoors for a while, and THUS,
you begin searching for that special someone you can "do" until February rolls around...

Not that I think this plan is terrible or anything;
it's probably the best plan I've ever heard.

ANYWAY, in honor of this phenomenon...I spent a little bit of time drawing several couples from davis..
This set of drawings is by no means comprehensive.

I still want to draw Rosa and Nate, Tiffany and RJ, and a hoard of others.

( OVERLY CUTE DRAWINGS OF DAVIS COUPLES )

HAVE A FUN THANKSGIVING! I'LL MISS YOU.

SO

we meet again Live Journal....

I have such a love/hate relationship with this god-damn website

ONE minute I swear to never touch it again

the NEXT
I'm at it's doorstep
wearing nothing more than a slip
and a backpack full of condoms...

ohh but it can satisfy me in ways WOMEN never could
(no matter how hard they tried)
(no offense Bianca)

BUT this post DOES, in fact, have a point

in a 3AM fever of spontaneity, I baked a cake...
and I'm here to SHARE said cake with you cuties

( Pool Party Cake! )

I MISS AND LOVE YOU INTERNET FRIENDS!

NORMALLY, I don't update as often as this...

HOWEVER I am purposely trying to divert your attention AWAY from the bike stealling post...

obviously I ruffled a few feathers there, and IM GOING TO RETURN IT TOMORROW.

I've never felt guiltier in my life.
I'll also search for the pretty pink bike and return THAT too.

there! everyone is happy! I didn't so much STEAL them...as borrow them wihtout permission.

Now, for the promised story #2:

I should say, before I begin, that this story really lacks a plot/climax. So DON'T get your hopes up.

SO, lately, I have been experimenting with online dating...
I've been signing myself up for EVERYTHING I can. It started with daviscoeds, which actually panned out. I recieved a few messages from nice people, but I haven't really planned on ACTUALLY meeting anyone from the site. The appeal for siging up stemmed from:

1. playing the game of whos better off with my ex (not that we were even PLAYING that game, I just assumed we were)
2. general curiosity

But anyway, my curiosity went RAMPANT. and I started signing up for EVERY dating website I could. I am currently on: DavisCoeds, AdultFriendFinder, Shaadi.com(which, by the way, is the hindi word for MARRIAGE), and E-harmony.com

E-harmony actually required me to take an HOUR LONG personality test. WHICH I patiently did. The idea is that it will find the PERFECT match based on your personality and the science of coupling. After 60 minutes of horrible personal questions, I was able to FINALLY search for my soul mate.

So I set the finder to "within 10 miles of Davis,CA" and hit search. After a minute of searching...it showed "There is NO one that matches your personality in this area."

This was, obviously, pretty dissapointing...
but I'm an optimisitc guy. SO I changed the search to "within 50 miles of Davis,CA".

Still No Matches.

At THIS point, I was fully desperate. So I revised the search distance to ALL SEVEN CONTINENTS. I hit search, and waited a full 5 MINUTES while it scanned through the millions of people who had logged onto the website.

no matches.

Jesus Christ! What do they want from me?

on a side note, I wish I had a vagina because girls have the COOLEST masterbatory tools.

okay LOOK you assholes

the entries are coming AS FAST as they can

Honestly, my life isn't exactly FULL of fun and adventure. It actually has quite a bit of LONGING for the past. But I won't delve into that. not here. not now. no, livejournal, I can't say a thing...not with all of THEM watching. But once we are alone...oooh the things I will do with you....

oh god LJ, you know what it does to me when you nibble on my ear...
ooh it feels so..sooo good...yes..YES YES LJ DON'T STOP PLEASE

AND now that I have ceremoniously gotten off,
I can begin the entry!

I actually have TWO stories to tell

#1.
SO last friday I tried to get home via our most honored, and respected UNITRANS bus system...but LITTLE did I know that after 7PM, the busses STOP completely.

I had two options
A) walk ALL the way to north davis
or B) Hitchhike

I chose Option C. STEAL some innocent fool's BIKE! After examining each bike at the tennis courts I discovered a Pretty Pink Bike with a little basket, a bell, and some tassels at the end of each handle bar. Unfortunately, the owner must have forgotten to lock it. I remember thinking, "SORRY PINKY, ITS MINE NOW!"

I rode the bike half way home before the TIRE popped. I know what you're thinking. Karma intervened. And it serves me RIGHT. However, the bike's tire went flat RIGHT in front of another unguarded, unlocked bike...WHICH I promptly ALSO stole. Thus, proving that Karma is a load of crap.

I really thought the ride home was going to be the GUILTIEST ride of my life. But honestly, I didn't feel altogether guilty.

Heres my thoughts in chronological order as I pedaled home:
1. Boy, this sure beats walking!
2. I should steal bikes all the time!
3. What if I stole bikes and SOLD them? I'd be RICH!
4. I'm tired.
5. I wish I was in a car.
6. I should steal cars!

Anyway, I made it home safe and sound! (in case you are wondering)
And I think my bike stealing phase is over.

I know I promised you another story...but I'll post it later this week.

I SWORE that I would never write in this wretched thing AGAIN....

but livejournal has SEDUCTIVE powers...that can not be denied...god, journal I'm sorry..I never should have left you...OH how you arouse me...you please me in ways my ex NEVER could...

why do my entries always start with me getting off?
but ANYWAY

Maybe you noticed all of the changes? NO MORE is there a GIANT creepy-ASS head staring at you....Instead...I stuck in a Picture of Jim Jarmusch and Tom Waits...

(chosen SPECIFICALLY to prove how fucking hip I am)

HOPEFULLY, I'll change what they are saying regularly
(for those of you who are seeing this through their friends pages...CLICK on my face...because I put WORK into making this look pretty)

SO what have i been up to lately?
oh just the usual, eatting cereal...drinking stuff...deliberately and conciously FLINGING myself from planes 13,000 feet in the air...

Yes, I went sky diving...
and I know people call it an "extreme" sport, but I don't think people emphasize how EXTREME it really is...

The whole process was a combination of worry, fear, adrenaline, and screaming (notice how I DIDNT use the word fun here). Its roughly the equivalent of turning up your stereo and then having a friend REPEATEDLY kick you in the balls (which is actually cheaper than sky diving...

There wasn't much real danger..considering a large muscular man strapped me to his chest and did all the work...I literally DANGLED from his chest while we walked to the plane....(hey, im a little guy)(little in a LOT of ways..IF ya know what i mean)

but, as I peered out of the OPEN door and the realization that 13,000 feet is REALLY FUCKING HIGH crept over me...I couldn't help but worry about smashing my head in...it didn't help that the guy's we were jumping with were assholes who would say things like, and I quote, "if you mess this up, we BOTH die"

But all in all It was well worth the experience

and now what you assholes are REALLY here for...the pictures (i'm sure you could care less what I have to say about the subject):

Here's me screaming in fear...
not only were we falling...we were SPINNING really fast


Here's how HIGH we were (we free fell for a minute straight)


This is where I lost my ability to have children (right when the parachute opened)


Me and my brightly colored friend AFTER landing


I REALLY should have LJ cut this...But I dont know how...teach me..please...

HOLY CRAP its been at LEAST one year since my last post...come closer, i've ached for your warm breath on the giant picture of my face...oh god, yes it feels so good...dont stop..faster..

anyway
NOW that ive gizzed all over my keyboard..

eeeeeessh THAT was way graphic..this journal is just getting dirtier and dirtier and its stopping HERE and now.

ignore ALL of that

lets begin again, shall we?
SO for those of you who dont know, i got the BIGGEST ticket of all time in my car a few weeks ago..

to summarize what i did..i was speeding at double the speed limit...in the lane going AGAINST traffic...while running a stop sign...

the cop SAW all of this, and pulled me over...and when he asked for liscense and registration...i accidentally handed him my fake ID

BASICALLY, im the worst driver of all time...
i broke at LEAST seventytwo laws with that ONE incident

and not only do i admit this, i have fully EMBRACED it...in fact i was TOTALLY looking forward to traffic school..like im STOKED about it, i WANT to learn how to stop hitting poles and other cars and cats and people and whatever

now thats all old news, but TODAY i recieved a list of approved yolo county superior court traffic schools in the mail

i opened it slowly EXPECTING to find a few places that could finally turn me into a REAL driver..

SERIOUSLY these are the names of the places they suggested (DIRECT quote from the mail they sent me):
PIZZA FOR YOU - COMEDIANS TRAFFIC SCHOOL
HUMORS MY NAME - TRAFFICS MY NAME SCHOOL
GREAT COMEDIANS TRAFFIC SCHOOL

the list went on FOREVER. i was pretty confused..so i called up one of them..and i could hear people laughing hysterically in the background..APPARENTLY the traffic schools in yolo county are all taught by COMEDIANS now..

we get free pizza and free passes to comedy clubs too

i think the moral is: bad drivers get to laugh and eat pizza for almost killing you

oh! and i have a digital camera now, so from now on my posts will have pictures too.

it's either love or hate
I can't find in between
it wouldn't have worked out any way
so now it's just another lonely day

how true is that line about love or hate and no in betweens?

this isnt a real entry. ill probably erase it.
think of this like a B-side (i know all the indie
kids are nodding their heads in understanding right now)

BUT
anyway, i recently got hit with an attack of loneliness.
which sucks BALLS..i feel like chaz.
i hate everyone, and i hope all of the couples in the world
die horrible deaths. i hope on the 4th of july, the bottle rockets
all misfire and SHOOT into every happy couple..in a burst of colorfully
satisfying death.

im going on a road trip to santabarbara tomorrow
maybe ill have some stories when i get back in 3 days.

well, first of all i KNOW i havent posted in forever..
SORRY to those of you who actually care (even though NONE of you do, assholes)

SO much has happened, and i have stories to tell

BUT more importantly..today begins the slow transition of my livejournal from fun posts..to DEEPLY personal information that really no one should know, especially you.

Why the change? i figure if i have no secrets on this journal i wont have ANY secrets in real life THUS making me the most open person IN THE UNIVERSE.

now this is a big step...
and the only way i can do it is by revealing a HUGE secret right off the bat...

my penis size..
(i can actually feel the regret setting in right now...but whatever we are all adults here)

honestly i am NOT that big
It is a pain, i have dealt with my whole life..oh, how ive longed to fasten things to the end of it..maybe part of a frozen hot dog..anything to make it FANTASTIC
I'd say its slightly over 5 inches long..and its decently girthy

IN MY DEFENSE,
1) first of all i am a small PERSON in general..so, proportionally speaking, i think things are looking okay

kinda like how a pair of pants that shrank in the dryer would seem TOO small for you, but would be WAY too big for a squirrel

2) ALSO according to studies 5"-7" is considered average

3) apparently its all about the motion in the ocean...even though im not really sure how the hell my motion or ocean are doing

and in conclusion, what have i done?

Throwing a party illegally at the Gazebo on saturday around 9:30 pm

COME! EVERYONE! who i consider a friend.



dont expect insane..
expect "chill"...

why not dress in something that youd feel ready to drink a martini in?
even though youre getting no martinis
just beer from a keg

its seriously been SO LONG since i last posted on here..i think we are all a little different now..you seem a little older..a little wiser...i, too, have made some changes...where i once used to wear clothing, i now SMEAR my body with guacamole before going to school

and i really dont smear my body with guacamole

but i did miss all of you, i miss feeling your eyes undress me as you read this journal, i miss the random anonymous psycho comments i get

so what have i been up to?

Indian Formal
basically, ALL of the indian people at ucdavis got on a boat and got drunk. if this boat sank, the ENTIRE davis indian community would DIE (and NO, indian people cant swim.)

i was probably drunker than all of them, because of 1) a fake id and 2) my buddy G giving me waay too much money to buy alcohol with

i pretty much offended everyone with my beligerence
sample conversation from the night:
random indian girl: my boyfriend raj cheated on me!
DRUNKEN nick: hey! watch it, i dont want you crying on my taquitos

i eventually comforted her (after the taquitos were gone)

birthday
everyone was HELLOV loving, hugging, and nice to me. im surprised so many of you cared..especially since i expected to have the most nonexistant birthday ever. thanks for caring by the way.

i went out to dinner with my extended family that night..
my family is TOO weird and TOO dysfunctional

my mom had too many my thais and got drunk...
my dad well looks like james brown

dad

james brown


it was a chinese restaurant and my fortune cookie read "you need to call someone"...now..ive seen a vagueass fortune cookie before..but THIS was just ridiculous

ill talk about the gay and lesbian party and the coldplay concert in my next post...IF anyone cares

OH and my party is this saturday..look for more info HERE SOON..its still being planned

Today i TOSSED away boring old plaid boxers for a pair of RACY, BLACK boxer briefs..

Like anyone, i had the usual, understandable fears:
Am i going to be impotent by the end of the day?
is "IT" going to shrink? (and trust me people, i really cant afford to lose a few more inches)
will people treat me differently?

Well, i definately was NOT impotent by the end of the day and im THANKFULLY the same size..but i DID notice i got treated a little differently--namely, all day the MU people would REPEATEDLY punch me in the face.

okay that didnt really happen, in FACT, the whole boxer brief thing was probably the best decision of my life (yes, my life is THAT sad). As soon as i slipped them on this morning, i felt an uncontrollable urge to dance..and all day i felt secure, like a good buddy was there for me no matter WHERE i went (a good buddy who is constantly holding up my package)...two thumbs up, fine holiday fun. everyone should switch..

SO next thursday is my birthday..im going to be TWENTY (20) YEARS old..officially making me the oldest man in uc davis...
i think im going to start wearing suspenders as soon as im older

birthdays are always exciting for me, and kinda sad..because im kindova floater, i never really formed ONE end-all close knit group of friends..so i cant really depend on anyone to take me out to dinner or do any of the regular stuff

not that i dont have close friends, there are a bunch of groups on campus that i totally LOVE..but anyway, if im going to have any fun..i think IM going to have to take the intiatiative and plan my OWN giant party and bring everyone together...lemme know if you guys have any ideas on how i can make my party unique

i am NO LONGER the hairest guy who lives in this apartment. and no, trevor didnt just randomly grow TONS of chest and back hair (which would be hellov weird and gross).

my cat is SICK so i drove all the way home to get him, and hes staying with us for a few days. Its best that he stays with me..i think he feels safe around me for some reason, even though i really doubt i could protect him from a DAMN thing.

if a fire broke out, id probably scream like a little girl and run into the wall. if some big dude broke in here and tried to kidnap the cat, id probably still scream like a little girl and run into the wall.

hes really doped up because of all the medicines i have to give him; but theres something cute about how he stumbles around and passes out randomly..

I felt pretty guilty about bringing him up here though...in the car, every once in a while hed let out the SADDEST meow ever...i dont even know what was making him so sad, ah well hell get over it (he should anyway)

i think i like animals more than i like people

They say that davis is allergy capitol of the world. if THATS true, then i am the MAYOR of this WHOLE town. and ill be "raising taxes" if you know what i mean..

and that analogy sucks, i dont even remember what the HELL i was trying to say

my point is

i am seriously the boy with the WORST allergies in all of davis. Last night while i was sleeping, my eyes were getting drier and drier..and CRUSTIER and CRUSTIER..by the time i woke up, both of my eyelids were COMPLETELY sealed shut..i stood up and COULD NOT physically open my eyes...

it was probably the scariest moment of my life
i remember thinking, "it finally happened. i finally went blind."

i had to loosen up the crust with warm water...and had to find my way to the bathroom by sticking my hands out and groping whatever was nearby...thank goodness i keep beautiful naked women laying around (i dont really)(which you already knew)(because i am the loneliest man ever)

also my nose is runny, im sneezing, my throat is sore, yadayada, my life basically sucks

so i tried to deal with the whole allergy thing by buying hellov medicines...today alone i have eaten:
4 allerest allergy pills
3 tablespoons of day quil
2 anti histamine pills
1 prescription strength claritan pill
1 tylenol cold/sinus pill

that was in the LAST 12 hours...im like some horrible drugged out milkshake

none of the medicines are working either...
this isnt like the movies, there are no happy endings in real life